


Standing alone in this world

by RainbowPlane



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, I'm pretty sure I used to be better at tagging, M/M, Me placing my own feelings and issues into a fictional character to make me feel better, Not Beta Read, Now I'm only making it more difficult for the tag wranglers, One Shot, Sorry!, The most self-indulging thing I have ever done, not entirely sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 12:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15267804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowPlane/pseuds/RainbowPlane
Summary: There’s one thing no one ever knew about Akira, at least, no one in Tokyo.Him having to disappear from his home town could be classified as one of the best things to have ever happened to him.Of course, the circumstances in which he had to leave weren’t perfect, but at least he now had the opportunity to run. Run from his past.Not long before he moved something happened, he had lost all his friends within an instant.As of today he still doesn’t know why. Some had told him it was because they felt threatened by his determination, other have just called him ‘weird’ or ‘dangerous’.In the end there was nothing he could do about it all, but still the memories remained.It’s the main reason why he’s always so quiet, he’s scared for it to happen again.But in his time in Tokyo he had met so many people just like him. It has made him grow to be more open, less scared.Especially one boy, the one he had met the first, the one who didn’t seem to care about every possible bad characteristic Akira could possibly possess.It had been love at first smile, but confessing was absolutely impossible for Akira.What if something went wrong? What if he lost everything again?





	Standing alone in this world

**Author's Note:**

> This really is nothing more than me throwing in my own pains from lately into Akira to ease my mind a bit.  
> And of course it was going to be angst...
> 
> Read at your own risk. I don't seem to be a great writer when I'm getting too emotional...

It was just another day together with the group, just like any other, but for some reason Akira couldn’t keep his head concentrated. His mind wandering of to way other thoughts.

For some reason he started to remember what had happened before, almost an entire year ago. How he was suddenly left alone, alone in the world.

He still couldn’t comprehend how the tables had turned as soon as he got to Tokyo. How suddenly everyone wanted to hang out with him. How people were actually interested in the things he did.

Especially the weird group of people in front of him. Every single one he could call his friend, every single one wanted to actually be there. It was a foreign feeling, a scary one, to have people care for him this much.

‘’Dude, you alright?’’ The voice of the blonde boy next to Akira snapped him straight out of his thoughts. Ryuji… He was special to Akira. He was the first person who actually talked to him in this new place, and somehow he never abandoned him. Without this boy Akira might’ve stayed alone, secluded from the world.

Then Akira realised he couldn’t just keep thinking and that he had to react. ‘’Of course I am.’’ He answered. There was no way he could tell him, tell anyone, about his thoughts. Everything was going so well, if he showed them he was unloved they might adopt that feeling. They might leave him as well.

And yet again Akira lost himself in his thoughts. ‘’You don’t seem okay. Haven’t slept to well?’’ Ryuji asked another question. Akira then decided to keep his focus, to not worry anyone. If he showed any form of weakness they might know, they might realise.

‘’Maybe so.’’ Akira answered. No long reply was needed, somehow it never was with these people. They accepted his quietness, something he had never expected to happen.

Movement of the one next to him was what snapped him yet again out of his thoughts, he just couldn’t seem to be able to focus today. ‘’Well, if you keep spacing out it might be better for you to get some sleep.’’ Ryuji said as he stood up.

Everyone had already agreed, Akira must’ve missed them talking about it. ‘’I’ll take Morgana with me, no one to keep you awake.’’ Haru said to him.

‘’But, I’m the one that keeps telling him to go to sleep!’’ Morgana tried to protest. It was true, without him there Akira might never have gotten any sleep. ‘’But I suppose he might need some time by himself.’’ Morgana gave in.

Everyone was already out the door, everyone but Ryuji. ‘’You know you could tell us when something is wrong, right?’’ He said to Akira. ‘’We’re all your friends.’’

Friends, he had said the word. ‘’It’s nothing, just tired.’’ Akira lied. He didn’t want anyone to know, never.

‘’Alright then, but call me if something’s up. You’ve helped everyone through so much. It’s only fair to return the favour.’’ Ryuji said as he also finally made his way to the door.

Akira just smiled at him. ‘’I will, don’t worry.’’ He lied yet again.

Somehow it was enough to convince Ryuji, as he walked out of the café directly after.

Now Akira was left alone, alone with his thoughts. A situation that turned out to be very bad.

 

The night has already fallen, but Akira could only stare at the ceiling. His expression completely blank as his memories began to flood in.

There have been many things that had happened in his life, but nothing hurt him so much as this.

It was just a normal day at his old school. Him and his ‘friends’ were just hanging out. The group had been expanded over the course of the year, but Akira liked the change. The new people were nice to him, nicer than his actual friends sometimes.

It was then were they were discussing the party they were holding that evening. A party Akira wasn’t explicitly invited to, but at the same time all his friends were going, so why couldn’t he?

But as soon as he asked at what time it started Akira was met by a worried expression, followed by an explanation. ‘’Actually, we would prefer you would not come.’’

That sentence had completely broke him. He had felt like something was wrong, that they might didn’t want him around, but never once did he realise it was actually true. Such thoughts are usually thought of as irrational after all.

‘’I see. Goodbye then.’’ He managed to speak out before standing up, leaving everyone. He was physically shaking, tears creeping up on him, but he had waited until he was fully out of side before letting them flow.

Even the new ones, the ones that did seem nice, didn’t seem to care. Everyone seemed to agree, Akira wasn’t welcome.

He had spent the whole night crying alone in his room, making sure no one knew how he felt. His worst thoughts had become reality. The illusion of friendship shattered.

It had happened before that his friends would meet up without him, he had heard them talk about things he had never been. But not once had they explicitly stated he wasn’t allowed to be with them, not once had they been open about it.

Akira had made himself believe that they would tell him if something was wrong, wrong with him, and till that point he had thus lived in the illusion everything was fine. He was just too anxious.

But now that that illusion was gone, now that he was freed of his blindfold, he felt nothing but emptiness. Emptiness and betrayal.

His friends were no longer his friends, he stood alone in the world.

That night he had gotten some texts of people, people apologizing. Akira sincerely didn’t care anymore. Even when they state it wasn’t their idea, even when they said they did wanted him around, it was too late. They haven’t stood up for him, they only cared for their own position within the group.

He did agree to meet up with one of them, but only to get himself some answers. Akira didn’t understand why it happened, he didn’t understand what he did wrong.

The person he met told him some parts, but it wasn’t enough for Akira to truly understand. The person told him some in the group were afraid of him, afraid of his intense determination. The person also said others had just referred to him as dangerous, scary and weird.

But he couldn’t give any true examples. It turned out that everyone just blatantly believed the ones who talked bad about Akira. No one asked why, no one asked for reasons.

The person tried to apologize, but Akira wasn’t having it. He told him what he thought. How he would never believe any of them stood by his side.

In the end the person had only stated he understood, and left.

Now there had been no one left. Akira had spent the rest of the year alone, quiet. The people he had known ever since middle school never contacted him again, never talked to him. It all left a hole inside of him, one that might never be filled.

 

Akira realised he had started crying, as he brushed a tear from his face. ‘’Look at how pathetic I am.’’ He spoke to himself. ‘’Even when there are people who care I still seem to be like this.’’

There began to fall even more tears, as he turned to bury his face into the pillow below him. ‘’But in the end, there’s no way they truly care, right?’’ His voice was weak, but his feelings were strong. ‘’I’m unlovable anyways.’’

‘’You’re definitely not.’’

Akira sat straight up after hearing another voice in the room, the voice belonging to Ryuji. ‘’You’re not unlovable. You’re the greatest guy I’ve ever met.’’ Ryuji expanded.

‘’What are you doing here?’’ Akira asked as he looked away to the ground. He felt ashamed, ashamed that someone saw him like that.

Ryuji made his way to sit next to Akira. ‘’I had forgotten something and took that opportunity to check up on you.’’ He explained. ‘’In the end that turned out to be the right decision.’’

‘’No, it isn’t.’’ Akira simply reacted. ‘’I’m only a weakling like this. You should’ve never seen this side of me.’’

‘’Come on dude, you should’ve told me you were in this much pain way earlier!’’ Ryuji exclaimed. ‘’I told you, we are your friends, we care!’’

Care, it was a word Akira had said to himself many times, but not in a good way. ‘’I can’t ever believe someone cares! It’s impossible.’’ Akira yelled back. ‘’After all, I’m nothing but weird and dangerous.’’ His voice lowered again. ‘’Nothing but useless.’’

Ryuji put his arm around the now sobbing guy next to him. ‘’Who the hell told you that? You’re the best person I’ve ever met.’’ Ryuji then said.

Akira looked up, meeting the brown eyes next to me for a small moment. ‘’It’s a way too long story. And it’s nothing I could bother you with.’’ He said honestly. There was something within him that wanted to talk, that wanted to get all his feelings out. But the fright of getting abandoned yet again was way worse.

‘’I’m not leaving till you talk though, so you better start.’’ Ryuji said with a soft smile on his face, making Akira reconsider.

He could tell one person, right? It wouldn’t hurt him. Right? ‘’Okay then.’’ Akira gave in. The need to finally let out everything that had been bothering him was too strong. He needed to let it all out.

 

After Akira had finished new senses of doubt began to fill his mind. Did he truly did the right thing? Ryuji must hate him by now.

But Ryuji only pulled Akira in for the tightest hug imaginable. ‘’Dude, why do so many bad things happen to you?’’ Ryuji said as he found himself crying as well.

Akira was in shock by the reaction, but the arms around him were comfortable. He returned the hug as he continued to cry as well. ‘’I… I don’t know.’’ Were the only words he was able to get out of his mouth.

After several moments of the two remaining still Ryuji began to talk again. ‘’Listen, I now know it must be difficult for you to believe, but everyone truly does care for you. Those people you used to call your friends are nothing but assholes.’’ He said. ‘’And if you can’t believe it from others, at least remember I care. You are not unlovable since I love you.’’

It took the both of them a moment to realise what Ryuji had just said. Akira just moving away slightly, giving an asking look.

‘’Uhm, I mean…’’ Ryuji tried to find the right words, but there weren’t any. ‘’Fuck it, I’m going for it!’’ Ryuji then exclaimed. Akira didn’t know what he meant, not until Ryuji spoke again. ‘’I freaking love you dude, I always did! Ever since the first time we’ve spoken I knew you were going to be special to me.’’

Akira was still lost for words. Was this, a confession? Akira had spent many nights hoping, hoping his feelings were going to me mutual. But everything that hope was shattered by cold realisation. No one was supposed to like him.

Ryuji had completely red in that instant, he had confessed his feelings after all. ‘’Are… Are you going to say anything?’’ Ryuji asked shyly, he was scared of a reaction.

But Akira didn’t speak. The moment was enough to push him over his feelings, almost slamming his lips onto the other’s. Neither of them truly knew what was happening, but neither of them cared. Many feelings the both of them were holding in all came out at that single moment, that single moments of lips connecting.

It took Akira a moment before he could move away, only the lack of breath making him able. ‘’I’m sorry.’’ He said, embarrassed of what he had done.

‘’W-why would you apologize? I was the one that suddenly blurted out a confession.’’ Ryuji said. ‘’I’m glad it’s mutual though.’’ He added as he brushed the hair out of Akira’s face, leaving a kiss at his forehead.

Akira began to blush even more than he did before. ‘’Why? Why would you love someone like me?’’ He said. There still was something within his mind that didn’t believe it. Something that told him he was only hoping for this, while it wasn’t true at all.

‘’Because you’re perfect!’’ Ryuji exclaimed. ‘’You’re always caring for others, you’re determined and you’re literally the most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen! I don’t care what those people back at your old school said to you, you’re the best person I have ever met!’’

Akira just looked at the other, eyes growing wide. ‘’I… Thank you?’’ He was uncertain of what to say. Ryuji’s words did truly get to him, he somehow believed them, but he couldn’t be convinced so easily. A part of his mind was still yelling at him, telling him how terrible he was. He didn’t want to let Ryuji know that, he knew it could hurt the boy.

But somehow Ryuji himself had already caught on. ‘’I know it will take you some time to realise this, but try to remember one thing. I will always be there for you.’’ He said. ‘’So don’t ever go sulking into your room by yourself, call me when things go bad.’’

‘’Alright.’’ Akira said. He wasn’t certain whether he was going to comply every time, but he had to confess that talking to Ryuji did make him feel a little better. ‘’Can you hug me again?’’ He then asked. He was craving more, more hugs. The sensation of another person close to him made him feel safe, saver than he had ever felt.

Ryuji smiled as he pulled the other back in. ‘’I will hug you as many times as you would like.’’ He whispered softly. It almost felt out of character for Ryuji to be this soft, but he knew Akira needed it. He didn’t need the overexcited person he could be, he needed someone comfortable. Ryuji was more than happy to be that someone.

They spend a few more moments like that together, just being close, before they remembered the time. ‘’The trains will stop going soon, maybe it’s best you leave.’’ Akira said, without moving.

‘’But are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can stay here if you want.’’ Ryuji responded. He didn’t want to leave, he was scared to leave.

But Akira had made up his mind. He was going to accept someone cared, for now at least, but he wasn’t going to burden them too much. ‘’You don’t have to. I truly already feel much better.’’ He said. ‘’We can always see each other again tomorrow.’’

Ryuji tightened the hug for a small moment, before releasing the one in his arms. ‘’Alright then, but call me if something’s wrong.’’ He said.

Akira placed a quick kiss on Ryuji’s cheek in response. ‘’Of course.’’ He then said.

Soon Ryuji had stood up and left the room, before giving one last glance to the one still sitting on the bed. He wasn’t certain Akira was going to be okay, but he knew he couldn’t push it. He had been struggling with those feelings for almost a year, there was no way those could be undone within one night.

 

The following days the two of them spend many time together. Akira seemed to feel a lot better and Ryuji just loved to be around him. After all, they could consider each other lovers now.

More and more days the two of them spend together, and more and more Akira began to forget what had been bothering him. Slowly he began to believe someone loved him, he was lovable.

There still were the nights were he broke down, the nights were he couldn’t believe it. But every time he managed to call up Ryuji, and moments later he would be by his side, telling him everything was okay.

Only then one moment came around where even Ryuji couldn’t help him. A thought he had been burying for a long time. But as the days progressed the thought became more and more apparent.

 

Akira had called Ryuji as he was already crying.

_‘’Dude, what’s wrong?!’’_ Ryuji had yelled through the phone as he heard Akira’s voice, he sounded weak.

Akira couldn’t give an honest reply, he needed Ryuji by his side soon. ‘’I need you here, now.’’ Were the only things escaping his mouth. Those words were immediately followed by regret. He didn’t want to force himself onto his boyfriend, even after Ryuji had continuously told him it was okay.

_‘’I’ll be there soon!’’_ Ryuji yelled right before he hung up.

 

Akira didn’t expect Ryuji to literally storm in the room, it threw him completely of guard. ‘’Are you okay?!’’ Ryuji yelled as soon as he had ran up the stairs.

But Akira didn’t answer, he was shaken slightly by the entrance, but he didn’t feel like moving.

Ryuji made his way to his boyfriend, not even speaking a word before he moved to lay beside him, arms around the slightly shaking body. ‘’Sorry for frightening you. I just have never heard you so upset, I was worried.’’ Ryuji softened his voice. ‘’What’s wrong?’’

Akira turned around to face Ryuji, now showing his bloodshot eyes. ‘’I just realised something, something I can’t avoid for much longer.’’ He answered as he buried his face into the other’s chest.

As he did Ryuji began to stroke the other’s back. ‘’Tell me what’s wrong.’’ He said.

‘’I’ll need to leave one day. I’ll need to go home.’’ Akira said as he began to shake even more. ‘’I don’t want to, I don’t want to go back.’’

It took Ryuji a few moments before he realised what Akira was talking about. Akira was only meant to stay with them a year, after he’s supposed to go home, back to those terrible people. ‘’I… Isn’t there any way for you to stay?’’ Ryuji asked as he himself felt tears building up in his eyes. The realisation of Akira leaving was too much for him.

‘’No, there isn’t. Sojiro only does this with the money he gets as well, after that’s over I need to go.’’ Akira stated. He had already thought about any possibility, but no one seemed to work. His parents wouldn’t care, but there just wasn’t any way.

Tears now began to flow on Ryuji’s face as well. ‘’I… I don’t want to leave you!’’ He almost yelled out. There was no way for Ryuji to comfort the one in his arms as he himself was just as emotional.

Akira just pressed his face into the other’s body even harder. ‘’I don’t want to go either!’’

Moments went by, neither of them knowing what to say, neither of them knowing what to do. The only thing they did was cry, cry into each other’s arms.

Both eventually calmed down. ‘’I know it will be difficult, but even when you’re there you must remember us, okay? Remember you have people who care for you. Remember I love you.’’ Ryuji eventually managed to say. His feelings were all over the place, but he at least made sure Akira remembered.

‘’I-I will.’’ Akira said. ‘’Would you… Would you want to stay here tonight?’’ He then asked. Right now the only thing Akira needed was someone by his side, and he was hoping Ryuji was still up for the task.

Ryuji simply tightened the grip on the other as he answered. ‘’Of course, there’s no way I was going to leave you tonight.’’

The two of them spend the night together, making sure to stay as close to one another as they possibly could. They ended up being a limit to their time together, but there was no way they were ever going to miss any time they had.

Akira was depressed about leaving his boyfriend one day, but after having spent so much time together he at least started to believe he wasn’t too worthless. He was useful, he was loved.

But then yet again, he couldn’t seem to keep the ones who cared close to him forever. Yet again he couldn’t have what he wanted the most.

The only thing that was left was to spend as many time with them, with Ryuji as possible, before he would lose it all again.

**Author's Note:**

> And... That's it.  
> A bittersweet ending, cause I haven't been able to write a real good one yet.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed me giving Akira even more traumas and pain then he already has.
> 
> (I should really get working on my other project instead of doing things like this...)


End file.
